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Transition

Even though it was only a year ago, roughly, I can’t remember the exact months that we did IVF for the third time, but I do know that by December of 2017 I was not pregnant, anymore.  I had chronicled the process on Instagram, but deleted those posts about six months after I knew it hadn’t worked.  But it DID work, at least for a few days.  I had breast tenderness and peed a bit with each ahhh-choo!  But from start to finish I don’t think I was pregnant for more than a week.  I do have two beautiful children from the first and second rounds of IVF.  I’m blessed.  They’re healthy.  Funny.  Really hooked on poop jokes.  So, when the third round gave us a hard NO, I felt I needed to brush it off, as if to be sad or disappointed would be really cheeky, considering I had a boy and girl and they fill my days.  

Still, around October of 2018, I started to see posts on Facebook about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  And all of the emotion that I had stuffed down in my backpack of feelings-I-Don’t-want-to-deal-with that had to do with the failed pregnancy started to emerge.

Link https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/awarenessmonth/

In my imagination that pregnancy would have yielded twins, so I tend to think “The babies would be here now, if it had gone as hoped.”   In a few days I’ll be 38 years old.  Its hitting me in more ways than the final days of fertility.  Career, taking charge of my life, my family, and even my physical space – my home – are in need of a lot of attention – in a way that feels almost, all of a sudden.  What I already have on my plate is a lot and requires a lot of me.  And yet, as my dear friend Mona said  – then there is this fleeting moment of dreaming of what another little life would add – not her exact words, but an appropriate interpretation for this post.  

And so, we’re done, my husband and me.  We’re done making babies.  We’re fully immersed in raising, not toddlers, but CHILDREN.  My son, Gus, 6 and my daughter, Lucinda, 4.  (the other two would have been Oscar and Magnolia….make your judgements).  There’s a lot more to my thoughts on pregnancy, the loss of pregnancy and infants and how we carry that into the years ahead, but that is for another post.  Now, I’m thinking of how I transition on from my time of creating babies, to my time of raising babies (my current past), kids (my current situation) and teens (Dunn Dunn DUNNNNNN).  

I found out I was infertile when I was 28.  I had a lot of problems with my cycle, pelvic pain, an STD.  And all those powers combined filled my fallopian tubes with scarred tissues.  I went for  a test where they inject dye in to the tubes to see how it flows.  I didn’t flow.  The dye just stopped, mid tube.  It was definitive.  The tubes had to come out.  I was at risk for an ectopic pregnancy.  I was alone at that test.  My husband and I were on different teams at that time.  Each for our own reasons.  I don’t know if I even invited him to the test.  Maybe I knew what was coming and didn’t want him to see my failure.  

These were intense times.  Bearing children was at the forefront of my mind.  But so was making the best out of a sad situation.  During those years my husband and I moved from the DC area to Des Moines, Iowa.  We went from a very stress filled environment to a much more relaxed, us-centered, way of life.  He and I reconnected as a couple, and made new friends and drove easily down the highway with no grid-lock!  Life was fun and carefree.  We were up late, making cocktails and making out!  Good times.  And it kept on getting better.  We finally decided to start the IVF process again.  There were a few stops and starts and but finally in February of 2012 we had a successful round of IVF and in November I delivered a healthy baby boy.  And at the very end of July 0214, a baby girl.  The next two years were even more intense and I was tired, wired, and caffeinated.  We moved to Upstate NY and I found an amazing yoga community.  I got back into my yoga teacher training, which took two years of hard work and study.  And I’m balanced because of it.  Again -another post.  

So now, my tale has been told.  Up until now.  And here’s my current dilemma – moving on to the next thing – my career as a yoga teacher.  I’m thankful everyday that I’ve had/took the opportunity to dive deep in to my yoga studies.  Its helped me see myself more clearly, which tends to be a bummer.  But it also gives us tools to get ourselves shiney again!!  And I’m on the base of my self, starting to reshine.  And here’s where my yoga and my fertility come together.  Because the truth is, I did not LOVE baby phase.  I LOVED my babies, and still do, but that was a bit much, what, with the no sleep and everything else.  Ages 6 and 4 I get.  I can steer this ship.  But to let go of holding on to making babies I had to examine why I was hanging on to it so hard. 

I came to this – because getting pregnant was such an ordeal, and babyhood was so challenging for me, I feel like I just did it all wrong.  And if I have JUST ONE MORE, I’ll know how to love it and do it better.  But that is not the case.  What I love is my silly, poop joke loving six year old boy.  And I LOVE my pink loving, doesn’t want her hair brushed or there will be hell to pay, daughter.  And of course there is my love, my husband, my compass.  He deserves some of my time too.  And I need him and some of his attention.  

So a door that I’ve propped open for so long, since childhood, is now closing.  Its been a hard transition, but I feel good now.  HBD to me, almost 38.  I’m looking forward to it.  

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Its September

Actually, at this point its the middle of September.  The last days of HOT weather, the start of school, new schedules, and NEW WEBSITES!!!  Thank you for taking a moment to come and visit mine.

This is a very exciting time for me.  I’m about to start my very own classes in a beautiful space!!  I’ve joined a networking group that has me feeling super charged to get things done.   Also, I’ve decided to push myself and signed up for a 5k marathon.  If, a few years ago, you would’ve told me I’d be running for any reason than to save my life, I would have laughed you right out of town.  And yet, here I am, using that Couch to 5K app, jogging at a snail’s pace, and actually enjoying myself.

Its an energizing time of year and I’m making the most of it.  If you’re in my area and looking to take on new challenges, make new habits and/or move away from old habits that are holding you back, please think about trying some one-on-one sessions with me, or even trying out one of my new classes.  I’m creating an environment of friendship, fun and fitness.

If you have any questions please reach out via the contact page!!

Happy Harvest!

Gail

PS – if you don’t live in the Albany area and are looking for some coaching, its possible!!!  Fitness plans, dietary education and more!!

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Got Spare Change?

I’m a certified personal trainer!  And as a perk I receive a the Fitness Journal, a monthly publication for those of us who have the privilege of influencing the health and well being of our clients, keeping us up to date on the latest research and trends in fitness.  This month’s cover story is “The Mysterious Journey of Behavior Change,” written by Dr. Erin Nitschke.

TTM

The above graphic is a representation of the TransTheoretical Model of change.  I believe that gaining a basic understanding of this process is the true beginning of change – knowing how to identify where you are in relation to a change you want to make.  Also, you’ll have a firm path to follow to achieve your goal!!  As a 37 year old woman, mother of two and wife to one, I like having a map to follow, or better yet a GPS to tell me where to go.

*the next paragraph is a bit of a sell, so if you’re not into it, Thanks for reading!!!

And that’s where I come in!!  I can put on several different accents (OK, maybe just two) to guide you to the next step in your fitness/wellness goals.  I’ve got listening ears to hear you, your needs and goals and I’m armed with strategies to help you get there!!

Cheers!

YoGail

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Non-attachment Parenting

Or maybe I should be more specific and say non attachment TO parenting.

When I was in my mid-twenties I worked with a woman who seemed to practice this non attachment to parenting.  She was, and I presume still is, a great mom.  And she was also great to herself.  She was compassionate with her kids, and was available to them when they needed help.  But she was able to see their problems as theirs.  To be fair, at that time her daughter was finishing college and her son was finishing high school.  Maybe she worried more when they were little…. but I doubt it.

Anyway, I have kept that attitude in mind since I became a mother.  My kids are still too little to be really unattached to their problems.  I still have to wipe buts and am happy to dry tears.  But I keep it mind for the future when I’ll have to step back and let them fail.

I’ve discovered another way to apply non attachment to my parenting and that is to the objects are no longer needed.  Most recently I’ve had to detach from my maternity clothes.  I was surprised how hard it was to give them up.  I am lucky because I was able to pass them onto a wonderful first time mother-to-be.  She’s sent me photos of her in the clothes and it warms my heart to see that they are still appreciated.  I suppose this is what Marie Kondo was getting at.

Other areas of non-attachment are comparing myself to other parents, letting go of trying to get my son to eat vegetables, making use of all the toys in the house and so many more.

I keep my attachment sheers on me at all times because there isn’t a day when I don’t need them.  They keep me going and happy for attachments hold me back, but letting go with love allows me to move forward with a smile.

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My first Post

What to say?

Much of my day is spent with little kids.  MY little kids.  Still, 5 and 3 year olds aren’t really much for in depth conversation, so I also spend a lot of time talking in my head, and responding in my head.  So, I think, I’ll write it all down in a blog post!!  And then I sit down and the chatter goes quiet.  My fingers are frozen.  I stare at the screen.

I decided to set a timer and just write.  Here it is.  My first attempt at putting something out there.  I’ve decided to at least try to steer this post in some direction, and that direction is Yoga.

That chatter that I spoke of early is usually themed around Yoga.  I recently graduated with my 500 hour Teacher Training certificate, which was a real rebirth in my life of Yoga.  I’ll save the details of that experience for another post – can’t give it all away in one!!  My intention with these posts is to express my thoughts and experiences through the lens of Yoga.

It might be Asana, texts, documentaries or podcasts (or more!).  I will explore all things Yoga and write about it.

I do not fancy myself a writer.  I write as a creative outlet, much like one who paints for the fun of.  Also, I hope to use my writings as a way to increase focus.  And, lets throw this on the pile, I will use this platform as a way to reflect on my own thoughts, and see what I can do with that information.

OK – so the scary part is done, I’ve put something out there.

Much love,

YoGail