Even though it was only a year ago, roughly, I can’t remember the exact months that we did IVF for the third time, but I do know that by December of 2017 I was not pregnant, anymore. I had chronicled the process on Instagram, but deleted those posts about six months after I knew it hadn’t worked. But it DID work, at least for a few days. I had breast tenderness and peed a bit with each ahhh-choo! But from start to finish I don’t think I was pregnant for more than a week. I do have two beautiful children from the first and second rounds of IVF. I’m blessed. They’re healthy. Funny. Really hooked on poop jokes. So, when the third round gave us a hard NO, I felt I needed to brush it off, as if to be sad or disappointed would be really cheeky, considering I had a boy and girl and they fill my days.
Still, around October of 2018, I started to see posts on Facebook about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. And all of the emotion that I had stuffed down in my backpack of feelings-I-Don’t-want-to-deal-with that had to do with the failed pregnancy started to emerge.
In my imagination that pregnancy would have yielded twins, so I tend to think “The babies would be here now, if it had gone as hoped.” In a few days I’ll be 38 years old. Its hitting me in more ways than the final days of fertility. Career, taking charge of my life, my family, and even my physical space – my home – are in need of a lot of attention – in a way that feels almost, all of a sudden. What I already have on my plate is a lot and requires a lot of me. And yet, as my dear friend Mona said – then there is this fleeting moment of dreaming of what another little life would add – not her exact words, but an appropriate interpretation for this post.
And so, we’re done, my husband and me. We’re done making babies. We’re fully immersed in raising, not toddlers, but CHILDREN. My son, Gus, 6 and my daughter, Lucinda, 4. (the other two would have been Oscar and Magnolia….make your judgements). There’s a lot more to my thoughts on pregnancy, the loss of pregnancy and infants and how we carry that into the years ahead, but that is for another post. Now, I’m thinking of how I transition on from my time of creating babies, to my time of raising babies (my current past), kids (my current situation) and teens (Dunn Dunn DUNNNNNN).
I found out I was infertile when I was 28. I had a lot of problems with my cycle, pelvic pain, an STD. And all those powers combined filled my fallopian tubes with scarred tissues. I went for a test where they inject dye in to the tubes to see how it flows. I didn’t flow. The dye just stopped, mid tube. It was definitive. The tubes had to come out. I was at risk for an ectopic pregnancy. I was alone at that test. My husband and I were on different teams at that time. Each for our own reasons. I don’t know if I even invited him to the test. Maybe I knew what was coming and didn’t want him to see my failure.
These were intense times. Bearing children was at the forefront of my mind. But so was making the best out of a sad situation. During those years my husband and I moved from the DC area to Des Moines, Iowa. We went from a very stress filled environment to a much more relaxed, us-centered, way of life. He and I reconnected as a couple, and made new friends and drove easily down the highway with no grid-lock! Life was fun and carefree. We were up late, making cocktails and making out! Good times. And it kept on getting better. We finally decided to start the IVF process again. There were a few stops and starts and but finally in February of 2012 we had a successful round of IVF and in November I delivered a healthy baby boy. And at the very end of July 0214, a baby girl. The next two years were even more intense and I was tired, wired, and caffeinated. We moved to Upstate NY and I found an amazing yoga community. I got back into my yoga teacher training, which took two years of hard work and study. And I’m balanced because of it. Again -another post.
So now, my tale has been told. Up until now. And here’s my current dilemma – moving on to the next thing – my career as a yoga teacher. I’m thankful everyday that I’ve had/took the opportunity to dive deep in to my yoga studies. Its helped me see myself more clearly, which tends to be a bummer. But it also gives us tools to get ourselves shiney again!! And I’m on the base of my self, starting to reshine. And here’s where my yoga and my fertility come together. Because the truth is, I did not LOVE baby phase. I LOVED my babies, and still do, but that was a bit much, what, with the no sleep and everything else. Ages 6 and 4 I get. I can steer this ship. But to let go of holding on to making babies I had to examine why I was hanging on to it so hard.
I came to this – because getting pregnant was such an ordeal, and babyhood was so challenging for me, I feel like I just did it all wrong. And if I have JUST ONE MORE, I’ll know how to love it and do it better. But that is not the case. What I love is my silly, poop joke loving six year old boy. And I LOVE my pink loving, doesn’t want her hair brushed or there will be hell to pay, daughter. And of course there is my love, my husband, my compass. He deserves some of my time too. And I need him and some of his attention.
So a door that I’ve propped open for so long, since childhood, is now closing. Its been a hard transition, but I feel good now. HBD to me, almost 38. I’m looking forward to it.